When your sobriety loses its shine and what to do to get it back.
- Ben - Its That Sober Guy
- Aug 5, 2023
- 4 min read
I was sitting at home on a normal day when this first happened to me. After everything I've achieved in my sobriety my brain decided to say to me, why are we still doing this, wouldn’t it be nice to have a drink? Even worse of all, do you remember that time when you had a drink, that things were all lovely, we could have that again. This was different to a normal trigger, where I feel like I’m missing out, this was something new but equally unhelpful.
Getting sober is hard, very hard! In the first few days and weeks after I stopped drinking, I would think about alcohol all the time. I was never physically dependent on alcohol but emotionally it was a crutch that I now had to live without. I cannot say these thoughts about missing alcohol have stopped but they have certainly got less frequent. However, I now have a new challenge to deal with.
This is normal.
The brain has intrusive thoughts, and this is exactly what they are, intrusive! However, everyone has them and they are perfectly normal. Just because you think something does not mean that you have any intention of doing that thing and it is just the brain’s way of processing thoughts and feelings.
Our brains are not computers and memories are not true versions of events but our perceptions of those events. It is useful to use memory to guide us, but only this, listen to your gut as well as your brain.
Cognitive distortions.
This process of the brain trying to lie or trick us has a scientific name, cognitive distortion. The brain is very smart but also very unhelpful at times, there are several ways in which it can try to trick us:
All or nothing – If I cannot give up completely what is the point in moderation?
Overgeneralisation – Everyone else can drink without issue why cannot I?
Mental filtering - Remember that one time when you drank, and nothing went wrong.
Mind reading – Other people will think I'm boring if I don’t drink.
Catastrophising – Other people will hate me if I don’t drink.
Emotional reasoning – I work hard so I deserve to drink.
Should statements – I should be able to drink normally.
Our brains do this to us every day and that is ok, we don’t have to listen to it but just accept that our brain needs to process these feelings, we don’t need to act on them.
Taking stock
One of the first things I did was get my old journals out to see what I was writing about before getting sober. It was no surprise to me that the writings before getting sober were not happy reflections of drinking, but a much less happy time of my life.
I decided to write a list of the things that I've achieved since getting sober, I'm not going to list them all here, as some are very personal to me. Also, I do not want to become one of them people who make out sobriety is all rainbows and flowers because it is not, it is hard! However, once I started to write the list it was a lot longer than I expected.
Talking to others
The next step I took was to talk to others, I chose people that I trust and explained to them how I was feeling. I spoke about how I remembered the days of my drinking but also their memories of my drinking. I was able to use this information to create a truer picture and act on it accordingly.
Cycle of change
Any change that we make in life we will go through the cycle of change; the cycle consists of 6 steps:
- Precontemplation – Not knowing there is an issue
- Contemplation – Recognising an issue and wanting to address it
- Preparation – Starting to make small changes
- Action – Putting everything in place
- Maintenance – Sticking to it
- Relapse or termination – Either making the change permanent or going back through the cycle.
The good news is that if your sobriety is losing its shine, you have already been through the first 4 steps of the cycle of change. The shocking news is that you are at the closest point to having a relapse. This is why it is more important than ever to remind yourself of the reason you got sober in the first place. There is no minimum or maximum number of times people need to go through the cycle of change. Relapses do happen but the key is to learn from them. If you want to learn more about the cycle of change, you can find more information here: The 6 Stages of Change
You are not alone.
As I said earlier this is all normal and everyone who gets sober goes through this at some point during their sobriety. However, rather than seeing it as a negative, see it as a positive of how far you have come. Accept your feelings for what they are but know that you don’t have to act on them. Own them instead as a badge of honour.
If you have found this information useful or would like to reach out, feel free to contact me at info@itsthatsoberguy.com, on our social media channels or even better by joining our community using the link below.
Ben – It's That Sober Guy
Disclaimer – I'm not a trained addiction or mental health professional, information is based on my own life experiences and shared in good faith to help others.
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